Haute Mama

So, I don’t usually blog about anything important.  Actually, I mostly use Tumblr to reblog other more creative, funnier people’s posts and look at things like “Catalog Living” and “My Ideal Home”; but I’ve started something new and since it’s pretty much all consuming I thought in the true fashion of my generation, I’d over share and take you all on the journey with me.  

I’m not religious…I don’t like most churches, I don’t believe in taking the Bible literally and while I do believe in Jesus, I do not believe He or Christianity is the only path to Heaven (there, over sharing already!)…however I do pray.  I pray every night and sometimes during the day.  I was laying in bed praying recently to please please please give me the motivation and tools to get skinny again (yes petty prayer…but I totally prayed for world peace and the health of my family right before I got to size 2 jeans). I have always been a “Yo-Yo dieter” but the past two four years my yo yo has been broken and I’ve gone from curvy to chubby to plain old fat ass.  So, I’ve tried eating right and doing  a little exercise (but I hate exericise because I’m so out of shape and it’s a vicious cycle) and nothing has worked…I haven’t been able to lose 5 pounds let alone 50.  So, I’m feeling hopeless, I’m bringing poor God into it (like he doesn’t have better things to do than monitor my muffin top), my husband has been a great sport but I know he misses having a hot wife, my family is looking at me with that awful look of pity reserved for fat women alone and I don’t know what to do and I feel truly hopeless for the first time about the whole thing.

 I’m a snobby fat person because I was really skinny a couple of times in the past, so I know what it’s like to see your hip bones and I’ve somehow carried this confidence along with me, fueling my denial and chocolate addiction. Like I’ve said, I’m a yo-yo’er but even at my fattest I could pull off the right outfit use some spray tan and strategic strokes of my bronzer brush and look (even feel! Yes women can trick themselves into mentally losing 10 pounds with bronzer…) 10 pounds thinner…lately not the case.  Nothing fits, nothing looks good, nothing camouflages except for two dresses that I have washed so often that they are nubby and worn.  So I’m desperate…I’m tired of hiding behind clothes (that are no longer big enough to hide me), tired of sitting just right to hide my tire of a stomach, tired of dreading being seen at the pool from the wrong (or even right) angle.   

Here’s a picture of my husband and me in college at one of my thinnest times: 

A recent  picture …plus we’re all a little “over served” in this picture: 

So, I prayed and I told God, that I want to be thinner because I think I’ll be happier…I know I’ll be happier, because I’m pretty damn happy already and the only thing holding me back are my love handles at this point.  I told Him, I’m too damn fabulous to be fat…I have incredible taste and I’m ready to show it off with fabulous clothes instead of just wearing whatever makes me look the least like Chaz Bono.  I told Him, I want to be healthy and energetic for my 2 year old Peyton, for my husband, and for myself.  I told Him, being thin is way more fun, you get away with more and let’s face it,  I’m a pretty big bitch so I need to be able to “get away with more”.  And then I told Him, I don’t feel like myself anymore and that’s a really heart breaking way to go through life.  So, I went to sleep and it turns out that He might have listened.  

Like I said earlier, I’ve started feeling desperate and hopeless for the first time ever about the whole weight loss thing.  I’ve started thinking crazy things like breaking into some middle school summer fat camp, auditioning for Dancing With the Stars and even surgery.  Diets haven’t been working…I made a mockery of Jenny Craig last year.  But then my step-mother-in-law called me up to chat about something she was doing that was unlike anything I’d tried.  She is eccentric and always trying new things like this and she has the means to fuel her adventures.  I was skeptical at first but as I listened I realized this was a great program…and then I became really jealous (happy for her of course, but like I said, I’m a petty bitch so I naturally became jealous).  She was telling me about this doctor assisted weight loss program. They offer it at some ob/gyn offices and other medical facilities as well as have some free standing clinics.  It’s called Medi Weight Loss and they give you a strict, no-nonsense diet composed of whole foods (no frozen crap) and you go in once a week for nutritionist counseling and twice a week for optional Vitamin B shots.  They prescribe you an appetite suppressant and give you a bunch of vitamins to help you along the way.  And, it seems everyone that has done it or heard about it raves that it absolutely works.

My step-mother-in-law and I are always pretty honest with each other and she’s one of the few people I don’t mind talking weight about with because she seems nonjudgemental and more importantly she doesn’t offer the annoying list of advice that most in-shape assholes seem to shoot off whenever diet conversation arises. So she said she is doing this program to lose 10 pounds and then said I should look into it. I said I’d love to, that I’ve heard of similar programs and it seems like the amazing, miracle, gimmick free, solution I’ve been looking for but it’s “tres expensive” and I have a new house and a toddler that I’m currently pouring all of my money into.  So I got off the phone, happy for her, but cursing myself for not having some kind of  ”Quit Being A Fatty Fund” squirreled away.  

Later that day I got a phone call from a Medi Weight Loss Clinic in Mt Pleasant (near my house) and they said they wanted to talk to me about joining and that if I wanted to, my step-mother-in-law was going to take care of it! This was life changing! I squealed as I got off of the phone and filled my husband in.  It really is one of the best gifts I’ve ever received! It immediately gave me hope for a new way of life! So, it’s not going to be easy (in fact the program has spent the first 5 days practically starving me on a high protein/low calorie diet…more about that in a future post) but I’ve felt good about it all week and am insanely positive it’s going to work. I’m cranky, I’m hungry, I miss alcohol (yeah they tell you to cut out alcohol! and I’ve gradually cut  down on it and am on my way to cutting it out of my diet completely…), I’m tired and and I’m a bigger bitch than usual…but it’s been 5 days and I think I’m 4 pounds thinner!  

So, I guess I’ll be blogging and over sharing about my experiences taking me from fat to fab. 

vipxo:

Excuse me whilst i cry for a little bit!!

(Source: deardarkness.tumblr.com)

Bought a mirrored table from target, got it home to realize it was broken. Called and asked them to have a replacement waiting at “Customer Service”.  Got there and the so called customer service attendant didn’t know what I was talking about. Finally after standing up there with a fussy toddler for 10 mins the manager notified me that they broke the second table bringing it to the front. So, I get a refund and then go home and order the table online. When I receive and open it, it’s broken and I’m 99% they sent me the same one I originally returned to the store by my house.  I called the online “Customer Service” to explain how much trouble this has been and ask for a discount on the replacement I now need  and the woman said, “What I can do for you is replace it for free.” Me, “Don’t you usually replace damaged items for free?”. Target Rep, “Yes we do.”

wtf?!

Dear Tumblr,

I sort of forgot you existed for a while…kind of like myspace…but since you are more relevant and useful than myspace I promise not to forget about you again, at least for a little while. 

Sincerely,

Me 

 I, in no way hold Bama fans responsible for this one person’s senseless crime. I’m angry, but in the spirit of Auburn I won’t be misplacing or projecting this on the Alabama fan base as a whole. I have many Bama friends and enjoy our reasonable and healthy rivalry. I reserve all of my disappointment and absolute fury for the insensitive sociopath responsible. 

I’ve also heard that because it allegedly affected the drinking water this may be a federal case of eco terrorism…all I have to say to him is “Don’t drop the soap”.

catalogliving:

Waking up to a freshly ironed dress and a half-eaten watermelon, Gary suspected Elaine was back on Ambien.

catalogliving:

Gary and Elaine ran down to the water, giggling like children in anticipation of the first dresser of the season washing ashore.

catalogliving:

Gary always resented the bird for being the least useful of the living room wildlife.